When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
