I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
