Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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