She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
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Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
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as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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