Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
