I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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