i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg I joined a choir last night...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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