saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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