You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
