The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
