i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
