And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
