FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
