You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
