I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
