Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
