1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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