I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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