I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize