I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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