Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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