Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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