If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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