My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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