no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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