im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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