Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
