We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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