Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
