the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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