ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
