By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
