Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
