3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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