Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
