I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
