She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
foreskin is a definite game changer
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
