o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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