she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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