Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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