I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
