Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
