I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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