whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things šš
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I get sad thinking about all the sex Iām missing out on because of the virus
I instituted āquarantine and chillā months ago. Itās not like penises go soft just because theyāre working at home.
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