I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
