Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
