dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
True strength comes from lack of pants
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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