your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dick very happy bro
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