i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
