I showed him my bush... on skype.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
