My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
