I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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