the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
