she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
