dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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