I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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