It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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