Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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