kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
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I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
A+ Viking dick
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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