I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
