i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
