Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
