so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
