I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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